Males feel increasingly under siege in Western societies. While not stated out loud or directly, we are being pressured to be more like females.1 This creates confusion and uncertainty around what makes a man.
Let us instead promote male virtues —not at the expense of female virtues2— and let us start by avoiding the term “masculinity”. Masculinity does not make a man.
I chuckled to myself while writing on this topic because, in some respects, one might argue I am not good at being a man 🙂
For starters, I am not particularly good at being a handyman around the house. It is not that I cannot do handyman-like things; I do not think about such things and when I do them, I do not do them particularly well. My wife has abandoned asking me to do handyman chores around the house, which actually offends me. She tends to do them herself without even asking my opinion or permission.
What I am really good at is cooking. Also, I take much more care of my appearance than does my wife. On these three measures alone, one might say I am more feminine than masculine —but, if you do, I will kick your ass!
Where I do exude masculinity is in my love of endurance events. I have completed the Ultratrail Sydney 100 km ultramarathon. I ride a badass Harley-Davidson motorcycle. I am a community and church leader. I am expert in my field.
While I might exhibit some stereotypically feminine traits, am I masculine overall? I will let you be the judge.
If not masculinity, what then makes a man?
On why the term “masculinity” is not useful
When we think of what makes a man, we often turn to masculinity as the measure. Unfortunately, this is not a useful measure because masculinity is a sliding scale. A male can be masculine, more or less; a female can be feminine, more or less.
It is easy to imagine a feminine male. When you think of such males from your experience, characterising them as feminine is not a complement. Exhibiting feminine traits is not what you expect of a man.
A male nurse is a perfect example. No one would disagree that nursing is a noble profession; it is a much needed caring role that serves and nurtures patients back to health. Yet, we expect males to be doctors, rather than nurses. Doctors are seen as experts in their field, as leaders taking charge of their patient’s condition and prescribing medications, expecting obedience to directives.
A male can be a nurse but it just does not seem right.
Similarly, it is easy to imagine masculine females you have encountered. The female committed to bodybuilding is a perfect example. A female bodybuilder looks strong and muscular, yet we expect women to be petite and delicate; they are appreciated for their beauty. A female bodybuilder is not beautiful.
We expect to encounter male bodybuilders; a female bodybuilder just does not seem right.
What we expect of males and females, therefore, is a sliding scale between masculinity and femininity. There are masculine males and feminine females. This is what we expect. There are also feminine males and masculine females. We do not expect this, so are discomforted with such.
We expect males to be masculine because their biology predisposes them to certain behaviours and traits and, thus, certain roles in society. Despite popular contemporary arguments to the contrary, most stereotypes about men and women are actually quite accurate and often understate the real biological differences. For example, males tend to show more agency (wanting to master things and assert themselves), while women tend to show more communion (focusing on others and being selfless).
Some say these stereotypes are “self-fulfilling prophecies”, that we become what people expect us to be. But these same behaviours appear in almost every culture and even in many animal species where “social expectations” don’t exist.3
From an evolutionary standpoint, these differences aren’t random. In almost all species:
- Males compete for status and resources to attract mates, which leads to more assertive or “agentic” behaviour.
- Females are typically the primary caregivers, leading to a “communal” suite of behaviour focused on nurturing.
Children’s play is a primary example of how biology overrides social training:
- Self-Segregation: Without any help from adults, boys and girls naturally start playing in same-sex groups before they are even three years old.
- Toy Preferences: Even when parents are very “gender-neutral” and discourage stereotypes, boys still generally prefer things like toy trucks and wrestling, while girls prefer dolls and family-themed play.
- Animal Connections: Young male animals (like chimps, rats, and even seals) engage in more “play fighting” than females do. This suggests that “rough-and-tumble” play isn’t something boys learn from TV commercials; it’s a biological preparation for adulthood.
Masculine traits such as bravery, competitiveness, curiosity, persistence, risk-taking, strength, and stoicism can be expressed by females, but they are expected of males because male biology disposes them to these traits and, thus, to roles in society that require these traits. Providing for one’s family, leadership in one’s workplace and community, and protecting one’s family and the vulnerable are all expected of males.
Again, this is not to say that females cannot fulfil these roles to some extent; it is just that this is not expected of them.4
Take, for example, the protector role. Historically, while women have served in the military, they have very rarely fought, nor has any country placed this obligation on them. When the Russian army went to war with Chechnya in 1994-5, it’s female officers —roughly 14% of the officer corps— refused to go. Knowing the outcry that would follow, the army did not force them to.
Similarly, female Israeli soldiers, despite mandatory military service, do not join frontline-combat infantry brigades.
Arguably, the most important reason men fight is precisely to protect women from the horrors of war. In The Iliad, Hector says he would rather go to hell, covered in soil and ashes, than witness his wife being carried away as a crying captive. And Hector is considered a much more positive model of manly virtue, where Achilles is representative of what would today be called ‘toxic masculinity’.
War has usually been men’s work because, as a result of natural sex differences that are not socially constructed, men are physically adapted to fighting. While it might seem badass to see a Mary Sue5 fighting in a movie, in real life this is not nearly as attractive as we are increasingly being encouraged to believe.
This all makes masculinity a poor measure of a man. Do not disparage the feminine male or valorise the excessively masculine. One does not need to be stereotypically masculine to be good at being a man.
What is a better measure? Manhood and manliness, but that is for another article.
- Hannah Gal, “The Gathering Resistance to the Stigmatisation of Masculinity”, Quillette, 26-May-2021, https://replug.link/9867b05e (accessed 11-Apr-2026). [↩]
- Mazelit Airaksinen, “Feminism Blinds Students to the Truth About Men”, Quillette, 18-Apr-2016, https://replug.link/f0d7e1c0 (accessed 11-Apr-2026). [↩]
- David C. Geary, “The Real Causes of Human Sex Differences”, Quillette, 20-Oct-2020, https://replug.link/3b036232 (accessed 11-Apr-2026). [↩]
- Hannah Gal, “The Gathering Resistance to the Stigmatisation of Masculinity”. [↩]
- “Mary Sue”, Wikipedia, https://replug.link/a0465dcb (accessed 11-Apr-2026). [↩]
Leave a Reply