New Fathers Need Help Too

When my wife and I brought home our first child, a daughter, it was an experience I will never forget … but not a good experience, to say the least. Men need to know your body and brain are designed for fatherhood. It may not feel like it at first, but you will change into a father; you just need a little encouragement and equipping to bolster your courage to step into the task. That was certainly my experience.

In The Deep End

My wife and I experienced some trouble in the hospital with our daughter not latching properly during breast feeding, which meant she was not getting as much nutrition as she should. We were sent home with assurances, “Don’t worry. Mum and bub will figure it out soon.” Unfortunately, soon was not soon enough.

Almost immediately upon walking in the door of our home, my wife started to panic about the feeding. She was worried our daughter would not figure out how to latch and so would not get enough milk to meet her needs. There was no consoling her. I tried. Her visiting parents tried. Eventually, we had to call in a woman from our church who ran a daycare centre out of her home and who was especially sensitive. She was able to talk my wife through the process and help get the latching process sorted.

Mum and bub soon figured it out, and we now have a beautiful young woman in our family.

Here’s the thing: My wife could easily get the support she needed to calm her and teach her how to accomplish all the tasks of a new mother. I helplessly stood by, offered what assurances and reassurance I could, but it was to no avail and, I dare say, almost unwelcome.

Sadly, there was no one to support me in supporting my wife and daughter. No one to help me, to calm me, or to teach me all the tasks of a new father.

The Brains of Fathers Change

Now, I was not a disengaged father. In fact, no one can deny I ‘got my hands dirty’, literally and figuratively, with the care of my children. Being a father, even in the early days, was and is a wonderful experience.

Thus, when I came across an article on Fathers.com, summarising research into the “significant biological differences in dads’ brains as they grew into the role of fathering their infants”, I was greatly encouraged. According to a 2014 study published in Social Neuroscience, new fathersthat are actively engaged in childcare become better at multi-tasking, are more emotionally responsive, grow in sensitivity to his baby’s needs, among other changes.

This means men change into fathers physically and emotionally, as much as do mothers, although obviously in different ways. Yet these changes will only come if men become actively engaged in child care. They will not actively engage in child care if they are afraid or are unsure of themselves. Thus, men too will benefit from and need support, encouragement and training in how to be prepared for becoming fathers, so that they too actively engage in child care, an experience which can and should be enriching for them.

Both the family and the father lose when he is pushed to the side, as if he has no contribution to make. Yet he will not contribute if he does not know how.

Support for Fathers

For an example of why all of this is so important, at my previous church my wife and I started running a playgroup. At this playgroup fathers and their children were just as welcome as are mums and their children.

Additionally, I encouraged the church to allow Baby Sensory Macarthur NSW to run classes in our facility. These classes were specifically designed to aid child development. Parents and babies become involved in massage, movement, visual stimulation, music, instruments, sign language, textures, puppet shows and so much more!

That might sound really weird but, as a new dad, my daughter and I enrolled in baby massage classes. My wife and I also learned baby sign language to ‘communicate’ with our newborn. The point of these weird sounding classes was to equip us to actively engage with our baby. I cannot recommend such activities enough!

Sadly, looking in on the Baby Sensory classes, I often noticed a group of men present, but they were usually talking to each other in a corner rather than paying attention to what was going on. Even more sadly, the mothers and the class’ female facilitator were all to willing to let the men disengage.

It is too easy and all to common for new fathers to feel uncertain and shrink from actively engaging in parenting. The problem is that when you shrink away, others will find it so much easier to push you away, to not include you in your child’s care.

Dads, you will not know what to do at first. You will feel like you are being pushed aside because everything is about mum and baby, right? Wrong! Fathers are just as important as mothers, but for different reasons. You need to be actively engaged with your baby, for your sake as much as for the baby’s sake. But you need to step into this because you will find little encouragement to do so.

You do not need to father alone. Feel free to connect with other men and fathers around you. Do not hesitate to share your experience because this will encourage others to share theirs. Additionally, seek out men who have successfully fathered children and get their advice.

Your body and brain are designed for fatherhood. It may not feel like it at first, but you will change into a father; you just need a little encouragement and equipping to bolster your courage to step into the task. That was certainly my experience.